Gosh. I think im already under tons of stress. way too much for me to handle because i just have this urge of crying everything out at random times. Maybe i really shouldnt let all the examination thing get to me so much or maybe it's not just that. i just have a really huge goal for myself. One that i dont think i can even reach. Im not even anywhere close to touching it. And it's worse when i think of it and realise, im only doing this to myself to keep my mind off stuff.I dont mind drowning in the sea if the memories will drown too. Cause honestly, ive had enough. enough of you you you.

SYF's nearing. My instructor is ill. I really dont want to cry my heart out when the result comes out.2 years of hard work and effort practicing the piece can go down the drain if we dont prove ourselves that we can obtain a gold in 8 minutes. All the times with blisters, ice to numb the pain would be worthless. I hope we can really make it through. =X

MYE's in 4 weeks. Revision not done. homework piling. Tests on the same day. Mdm Sim's retarded lecture. UGH.
***
Ever since i met you, i didnt know how complicated my life can get. But you made me realise how a simple life can be such a blessing. So you went all out to get my number in hope maybe we can be friends and maybe more than just friends. Honestly, now you know that when i make friends, i dont have motives. I just go all out hoping that it's another start of a friendship. Then, you turned out a jerk..A really selfish one! And maybe i can be really stupid at times. I just didnt see that side of you. You know honestly, what's going on between me and *** is partly bcos of you. partly bcose i was influenced by you. and ive hurt that one guy that loved me so much more than anything in this world. IVE FINALLY REALISED YOU'RE PARTLY TO BLAME. but whatever it is, it's alr over. so i'll leave that behind. cause you see that the both of us just aint meant to be? i guess not. have anyone told you all you ever cared about was YOURSELF? if love can be measured by percentage, then it wouldnt be called love anymore. But you didnt see that right from the start. you told me things i never heard before. you made me laugh like i havent laugh before. But you know what? that's all you ever did. The rest of you is nothing but bullshit! it's all plain BULLSHIT! If you're going to make empty promises, save it. you wanna know why? bcose ive had enough. okay. ive gave you just too many chances. but you never treasure a single one of them. and honestly, i dont have a high tolerance level. when i say leave me alone. i mean it 110%. seriously. i dont believe anything you say now. cause when you promise sth, you break it within the next 5 minutes! how do you ever hope to gain back my trust? its surprising you even have the thought of that! honestly. it really isnt about whether i get pissed cause you ask me one question. you freaking agreed to give a one week space to think things through. so what if you dont sms or call? you leave a friendster message. WHAT IS THE USE OF THAT. AND YOUR QUESTION. WHAT IS WITH YOUR QUESTION? IS IT SO IMPORTANT YOU CANT WAIT A WEEK MORE TO ASK? HONESTLY! this just shows you do things without thinking first. and why do i have a feeling you think im a materialistic girl? But guess what?!?! i dont care what you think or do. even telling you to F*** off you wouldnt. I know you changed a hell for me. BUT THAT DOESNT DO ANYTHING IF YOU'RE NOTHING BUT LIES. that doesnt bring you anywhere near me. dont you have any diginity or pride?? WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO IN ORDER FOR YOU TO JUST GIVE. IT. UP? Cause ive had enough of your apologises! just about..

e-n-o-u-g-h

you never thought of anything else except your pain.
***

THANKS VAL AND CLARE!
you guys were there for me when i really needed you guys. I dont think i can ever thank the both of you enough.Val give good advice(: at least i have you two to turn to when i really it.
nic: your 4 pages long letter is still slowing progressing. haha. my bad(:

I am THIS close to going hysterica
WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR YOU TO JUST LET US BE FRIENDS?!
Why do you always have to put the blame on me? Like it's my fault. all i ask for is for you to treat me as JUST A FRIEND. NOTHING MORE. You think you care for me. BUT YOUR CONCERN IS JUST ADDING ON TO MY STRESS. im so sick and tired of your promises. Just knowing you for 3 months and im probably as close to breaking down. If you are going to make empty promises. PLEASE JUST LEAVE ME OUT OF IT!! THIS I BEG OF YOU. it's driving me insane!! You claim you treat me as just like your other friends. But compare me and your friends. you know who you treat better! and you're putting the blame on me. ON ME! right infront of my effing face you push everything on me. You say you care! you THINK YOU CARE! But you're making it a lot worse for me to stand on my own 2 feet! I cant take it anymore! SERIOUSLY. You ask me what you did to deserve all this from me. WHY NOT ASK YOURSELF FOR ONCE AND NOT JUST QUESTION MY ACTIONS. I was down. I was sick but all you cared was my attitude towards you. IM NOT IN THE MOOD ANYMORE. IM NOT IN THE MOOD TO ENTERTAIN ALL THE BULLSHIT YOU'RE DUMPING ON ME.
i gave you your last chance
i gave you your last last chance
i gave you your last last last chance!
AND YOU TELL ME I DIDNT GIVE YOU A CHANCE?! AND YOU KEEP BRINGING HIM INTO THE PICTURE. EVERY SINGLE TIME I FORGET ABOUT HIM, YOU BRING IT UP. YOU KNOW IF THIS IS NOT WORKING, IT'S JUST BCOS YOU MADE IT THIS WAY? I GUESS YOU'LL NEVER FIGURE THAT OUT. I TELL YOU IM PATCHING THINGS UP ON THAT MATTER AND YOU STILL DONT GIVE UP. YOU KEEP ASKING ME WHY I DONT GIVE YOU A GODDAMN CHANCE. I GAVE IT ALL TO YOU. BUT YOU LOST IT. ISIT REALLY MY FAULT? THEN YOU GO ASKING ME WHY IM GIVING THAT JERK A CHANCE. IVE HAD ENOUGH. IVE HAD JUST ENOUGH. LEAVE ME OUT OF ALL THIS. LEAVE ME OUT OF YOUR LOVE LIFE..

ALL I NEED IS DECENT PEACE.

If by keeping myself busy until way pass midnight, i can keep my mind off you. i'll do it every night.

it's a fact
i LOVED you.
I'm sorry.
Face it.
You know it's over.

I wish i told you from the start
That this was never meant to last
We shouldnt have gone this far.

Ive had enough of your empty promises!!
But all i see myself is giving another chance after your 'last'chance.
WHY?! I hate myself for that
I PRAY YOU GIVE UP SOON.
***

reality check:
5 more weeks to MYE.

CAMP WITH TPJC IS OVER. Part of me glad, part of me rather it wouldnt end. Sure gonna miss the combine sectionals. The long long distance walk from the room to the canteen and of course, them. Well, at least it was productive and not just some other waste of time programme. If winning that school should make me feel happy, why aint i feeling that way? Nevermind, i'll let that pass. I dont wanna have anything against that school anyways. I want nothing to do with that school. Hopefully, at all.

*
When i said " Misery loves me" , i was hoping only ONE person will say what i wanted to hear. But i didnt want the both of you to say that to me. Just hoping that'll help me see something. But it makes me harder to let one go or leave the other one hurt. I wanted so much to forget you. But the memories of you just keeps on haunting me. And ive finally came to know, i didnt make the right decision. Or i shouldnt have left it like that.
*
Whereas everytime i try to tell you it's impossible, you come knocking on my door, giving me another big surprise. And then nothing comes out from my mouth. Everytime i tell you not to waste your time and money on me, you tell me im worth everything. sometimes, i rather you leave me there to rot. and die.
*
MAX: YOU ARE A FREAKING JERK. IF YOU EVER LET ME SEE YOUR GF, I'LL TELL HER WHAT YOU'RE DOING BEHIND HER BACK. SO WHAT IF Y.O ACCIDENTALLY SEND YOU MY NUMBER? YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSE TO SMS ME CAUSE YOU ,APPARENTLY, SHOULDNT. SO LEAVE ME ALONE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
*
Ugh. Someone should just kill me. like..Literally.

FIRST FIRST FIRST(:
BIG MORALE BOOST! hahas. We had guitar competition with Acjc, Cjc, Tpjc and cchm.
AND WE WON!! hahhas. but i thought our runs were like crap. didnt know the judges praised it. LOL. All the comments seem too good lah. wth. Maybe we won partly due to cause we were in seconday school only? But Ethel and oli almost killed me for saying that. lol. I was like superly high after that cause i got what i really aimed for. NOT first but beat THAT school! hahas. rachel knows. LOL.Then after that was super slack. took lots of pictures. all the sec one's phones were up. haha. then pack our stuff and just wait for dad to come. we waited in the guitar room. then Sindy ask me to go sing " you're still the one" while Cherie play electric guitar and sindy play drums. then so pai seh cause.. just very pai seh lah. then i told her very embarrassing. Then one guy suddenly heard what i said then he look at me. then i turn to look at him cause i could feel someone staring at me. then i gave that weird look and he laugh at me lah. tell me just sing cause it's not embarrasing since there's only us people there. oh my lord. i think he thought my words were targetted at him. so malu-ed!! then he went out. wanted to come back in but the door lock. then i shouted dont open. didnt know from outside can hear. then still kena suan lah. i thought ppl will back me up lor. all laugh at me!! wa lao... later fetch the two rachel and val back. skip tt! (:
*
DONT WASTE YOUR TIME ON ME.

I have recieved my O level schedule. I wonder if it should be good news or bad. But whatever it is,

240 DAYS TO F.D!
and just so you were wondering what's F.D, it's freedom day. 051107! YAYNESS(: Cant wait. val's right. Im paying $423 for a few sheets of papers with ink on it. I should get more motivated to study! And besides, my mother cant take back her word when she said i can choose which destination i wanna go next! x)
This year has been such a hectic year. I thank Val,Clare and Anne:) You guys backed me up alot. And of course when i get things straight, Nic, you'll hear from me. This i promise(: So dont go on thinking im hiding lotsa stuff from ya alrights. School's a really dread lately. Like test after test and then recess is spent on the rooftop. And least that's where Clare and I go. We get quite a lot of privacy there ( i know it sounds wrong but it's not you are thinking. LOL) Maybe it's all the stress or what, I realise Val and me tend to go off sometimes during lessons and often, Chem lessons. Hahas. While everyone's ENJOYING Syf camp, I should really go study my history(:
*
Maybe im regretting what i did.
But what's done is done.
I dont wanna hurt you again.
So please move on without me.
Those memories i promise you
Will be kept really close to me heart
The days walking down the street
Just walking aimlessly.
But enjoying it like it was
our paradise.
Those times i blew up
But you held me close
Telling me you'll never let go
The times we smuggled food into the cinema
Being all cosy with each other
Feeding me food and drinks
The times i looked in your eyes
and i get drown with all your emotions
Baby, i'll do anything
to look into your eyes once again
But sooner or later it's over
I just dont wanna miss you right now.
*

EXHAUSTED=(

OH! and i just remember sth really hilarious that happen. Im sure everyone has heard of the girl who gave birth to a child at 9 years old. then lim was telling the sec 3s in the bio class before they left when the class ended ( after that was my chem ) . And i so happen to be there early with Y.O cause lim wanted me there early and Y.O followed me(: But the both of us were sitting together busy listening to Y.O's hp. Totally not caring what lim was saying. then suddenly i saw she was like talking in our direction. so i paid attention. and this was what she said.

" all of you have to be careful ah.im sure you all dont want this to happen to you. so must be careful,understand? ( then she looks at Y.O ) ESPECIALLY you ***. ( my mouth drops) and you also caroline! ( my mouth drops bigger ) "

oh my lord.
WHAT WAS SHE IMPLYING!!!! pfft. look how screwed up my cher can be. lol.

OH MY LORD. I dont know how i survived today man! i had THREE effing tuitions! People dont even get three tuitions in a week! i get it a day. Luckily it's only THIS sat or i'll just collapse and die infront of you. LOL. First tt was chem, went to make up for some lesson lah. And Y.O wanted me to go also. In the end,

lim : ***, i think you should sit at the other end. There's less distractions"

WHAT THE.. Now, im a distraction. LOL. Freaking hilarious man. And we were sharing a pair of ear piece casue i was listening songs from his phone. Then lim kept telling us to put that handphone aside while she's talking and whatnots. So once, the both of us put down so that we can listern to her talk. After we put down, she said one line and told us to carry on with our own work. wth man! lol.My lesson was from 10.45 to 1pm. Y.O stayed throughout with me. Hahas.
After that tt, went home, eat, went to maths o lvl drill. saw anne. Still as dead looking as me ytd when we had maths tt. lol. did the drill. went home. change books head back down to lim's house for english. gosh. she said when she was younger, there was a time when she enjoyed reading the dictionary to learn new words. i was like thinking ..

" oh my lord. you have no life...SERIOUSLY."
But then again, IM NICE(: i kept the comment to myself.HAHA.

Next goal:
STUDY FOR CHINESE MYE. It's rather important!